Oh, baby

By Jim Cook

Published: July 17, 2008

For this week’s installment of There Ought to be a Law, I turn to the subject of baby clothes.

If you’ve ever been to a children’s boutique, you’ve probably thought to yourself:

A. I can’t believe that a jumper made out of pants pockets costs $80. Is there a prize in one of those pockets?

B. This sweater looks suspiciously like my bathroom rug from college. I wonder if it still smells like weed?

C. Did they just get the doggie clothes that wouldn’t sell at the pet store and hang them up here?

Baby clothes are hideous, and in our attempt to turn our children into a status symbol just like our cars, houses and spouses, most parents appear to be in a contest to see who can pay the most to dress their child most like a refugee from an Oompa Loompa ethnic cleansing.

Take for instance, the sailor suit. Say what you will about spanking, mall leashes or the occasional bit of tough love in the form of waterboarding, there’s probably nothing more likely that will put a kid on top of a water tower with a high-powered rifle and some unrequited love for Jodie Foster than having to wear a sailor suit.

Then of course there’s the handmade stuff. Why anyone would pay hundreds of dollars to dress their children like characters from a Loretta Lynn song completely evades me.

I’ve criticized the inappropriate use of camouflage before, which in hindsight was pretty dumb, because it’s not a good idea to pick on people who carry guns and are hard to see. But I’ll stick my neck out again and say that dressing your baby in camouflage is dumb. They’re hard enough to keep up with as is without making them obscure to the human eye.

Many pieces of baby clothing are emblazoned with some sort of clever slogan usually having something to do with defecation or mammaries. These are OK, but I’d like for the slogans to be a little more realistic. Suggestions: Daddy’s Future Liver; Remember, Birth Control is Only 99 Percent Effective; or Why Drinking With Your Band Director is Bad.

Although most baby clothing is hideous, I do greatly admire the concept of the onesie. It’s probably the most practical item of clothing ever designed by man. Pull ‘em over your head, snap the buttons at the bottom and you’re good to go. I’ve often thought that the American textile industry could compensate for competitive disadvantages posed by cheap foreign labor and return to profitability by supplying major league baseball players with steroids or smuggling cocaine into the country. Barring that, they might make a few bucks by making business casual onesies for adults to wear to work.

The idea might sound a little silly, but look around you at work. See all the folks wearing flip flops and Crocs? Did you think that could happen 20 years ago? It’s like the fall of the Roman Empire; it starts with open-toed footwear, progresses to clothing that fastens together at the crotch and before too long you’ve got barbarians in leopardskin loincloths making burnt offerings of Lean Pocket in the microwave to prevent a paper jam or toner drought. I can see it now:

Smith: Jones, nice onesie you’ve got on today, I had no idea that you had just made a fudgie.

Jones: Thanks Smith. I have to say that’s a snazzy number you’ve got on yourself, where’d you get it, Bellasassyfairypants for Men?

Smith: Actually, I got it at Wittle Stich Big and Tall.

Jones: Look at Johnson, he’s got his onesie on backwards. Doesn’t he know the buttons on that one go in the back and the tractor goes in the front?

Smith: What a tool.

So, new law: If we’re going to go around saying that children are little adults, why don’t we dress them that way? No more hideous bunny costumes, no more patchwork and no more paying $80 for sweaters made out of old socks.

 
Little pooper Jim Cook can be reached at .