Floats that just couldn’t make it in the various upcoming Christmas parades (for those offended by the Christian-theme of Christmas, we’ll still call them Christmas parades because calling it a “Holiday Parade” means we could be honoring spring break, or perhaps Thailand’s Lopburi Monkey Buffet holiday.

The Nancy Pelosi float could just venture down random streets not on the parade route because it’s not like she knows a direction anyway.

President Trump’s float would be sparking too much from within due to his non-stop tweeting.

The Chuck Schumer float would just explode because his continuous venom would cause the float’s rubber to melt.

Adam Schiff’s caricature would be disqualified because it would try to argue some nonsense about the parade having no right being on a certain day because it would disrespect all other days.

Nick Saban’s chances of getting a gloat in the parade would be voided when he failed to meet the deadline ... by one second.

Gus Malzahn’s float is given the heave-ho when he asks officials for top-billing in the parade because he said there are other parades that would gladly have him despite him regularly running out of air at Auburn.

Tua Tagovailoa’s float is deemed unavailable for the parade after it is determined to be in serious in need of repair after being hit by an alley’s walls as it was being unfurled.

Bo Jackson’s float is determined unsafe for anyone trying to hold it down.

Alabama has its place-kicker float pulled during the parade as it flies aimlessly, missing the designated street and clanking against nearby buildings

Just so the non-Christmas believers don’t feel left out, there are plenty of other “holidays” to be celebrated.

There is National Fruitcake Toss Day on Jan. 3, but I think it would just be rude, not to mention unlawful, to see Nancy Pelosi thrown about.

Also Jan. 3 is National Drinking Straw Day, but can it really be called a “national” day when California prohibits their use in restaurants. Unfortunately, National California Day is on the same day as my birthday, Feb. 22, so that’s a party pooper.

Nevertheless, I can honor George Washington, Dr. J, Drew Barrymore and even Steve Irwin (the exact day and year as me), but not California. That could mean I would be responsible for all of its debts.

National Nothing Day is Jan. 16. Congress has been celebrating it all year.

National Tell a Fairy Tale Day is Feb. 26. Mr. Schiff, could you wait until then to make up stuff?

Fat Tuesday is March 5. I’m ready!

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