JAY EDWARDS

I know I’ve stayed in the shower too long when I can’t remember if I’ve washed my hair or not. The positive side of that, I suppose, is there is still some that needs washing. But as I stared down at the couple of shampoo choices I thought it might be time for a change.

So later that day, I was walking into the store, pushing my little cart, checking myself out on the monitor above the glass doors in the cart storage area, surprised to see how white my hair looked. Must be a glare. And more hair obsession. But at least it reminded me what I had come to the store for.

That’s one thing I’ve yet to do. Color my hair, that is. That, and join AARP.

I veered off to the right, toward the pharmacy. No, not to pick up some Grecian Formula. This was a shampoo mission.

Lately, I’d also tried using this stuff I borrowed from my wife, KM. It’s called Tresseme, for colored hair. Which means, as you’ve probably deduced by now, one of us does color her hair.

This is the point in the story where a wise man would start deleting, or better yet, trash the whole thing.

I found the shampoo aisle, which, surprising to an indifferent shopper like myself, needed an entire aisle to itself. But the really crazy thing is they have hundreds of other choices in a section they call “Clean Hands,” and even more on an aisle they call “Personal Cleansing.” Why do we need separate cleansers for our hands and our personal stuff? It seems that if you use your hands to wash your personal stuff then the hands ought to get as many selections. They are doing all the work, right? And are we really supposed to clean our hands first, before we move onto the personal cleansing segment?

The aisle began spinning so I quickly tried to refocus on why the hell I was even in this part of the store. What was it? Oh yeah, shampoo.

I spotted the rows of Tressame, but soon was distracted by stacks of Suave, one of which offered a “Salon Proven 2 in 1 for Thick and Full Hair.” That sounded pretty good, but as I reached for it I saw, just to the left, Suave’s “3 in 1 Citrus Rush.” But there was nothing there about it being Salon Proven. I wasn’t interested in trying something that was still in the experimental stages.

So I turned back to the salon proven selection and, reading a little further down the bottle, saw that it was enriched with caffeine and infused with something called Chia.

Good Lord. Whatever happened to Breck and Prell?

Well, I had to have something, and then spotted another Suave product (they have about 80 or so) called “2 in 1 Ocean Charge.” It was also Salon Proven. It claimed to be a “Refreshing Shampoo made specifically for Men’s Hair.” The fine print on the back said it’s also an advanced formula...light-weight…and formula enriched. They’re apparently big on formulas at Suave.

They even give directions! I had to wonder though, how many people walking around these massive store aisles needed directions on how to shampoo their hair. And if they do, aren’t they the ones who probably forget to shampoo anyway?

The plastic bottle of Suave I held also listed the ingredients, and even though I was slightly concerned to find no mention of caffeine, or Chia, whatever the hell it is, I threw it in the basket and headed off to another aisle, thinking maybe it was time to try a new cereal.

Jay Edwards is a freelance columnist who can be reached at chips7591@gmail.com.

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