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KYLE MOOTY

In case you have been quarantined and miss the big news...

I have declared myself the NCAA Tournament champion, heavyweight champion of the world, Nathan’s Hot Dog eating champion, as well as the sexiest man alive.

At which point did I lose you?

Crazy, you say? What if I told you Tom Brady is a Buc, Todd Gurley is a Falcon and Nancy Pelosi is Speaker of the House.

Parents are pushing scientists aside in hopes of speeding up the find for a cure because, you know, they love their kids, but they’re at home now... ALL DAY, EVERY DAY.

Yeah, the last one, as well as many others brought a chuckle during these uncharted times. I particularly liked the one about the guy asking how long he was supposed to practice social distancing because his wife keeps wanting to come inside the house.

Another one said she’d like to cancel her subscription to 2020 because she just was not impressed so far.

Yet another said this was a fine time to discover she had never learned to cook for the last 36 years.

I’m guessing putting a stop to most everything will not change my aging process.

I did find out that I have a distant — very distant — Scottish-heritage relative on the North Carolina State men’s rifle team. She’s a freshman. Yes, I said she... on the men’s rifle team. Go Wolfpack!

High school seniors should get to swing the bat as long as the season was scheduled to last, walk with friends and classmates at commencement exercises, and I shouldn’t have to count 2020 as another year until it actually proves worth a flip. So far, this whole show has been a great inconvenience, in some cases, a deadly one. I guess we’ll do what’s needed to get by.

There’s more TV time so I have found even more worthless channels.

By the way, did you know the incredibly slow-moving sloth is actually a very good swimmer? Picked up that morsel while sitting on my couch.

I’ve tried not to binge watch too much, but I can only carry on so many conversations with my dog, who is moodier than President Trump listening to a “question” in the form of a statement from Jim Acosta. I can go out to the patio only so many times before I start wondering how sloths swim so well. Are they just lazy, or perhaps faking it in the trees?

Now, if you’ll excuse me, I must be on my way to the stand to receive my gold medal for Curling.

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