I received an email last week from a friend of the female persuasion that claimed, “Men are just happier people!”
Of course, there are exceptions to everything. I’m pretty positive there are some women out there who are happier than me at this very moment.
Anyway, here are some of the reasons we guys are supposedly happier...
What do you expect from such simple creatures? My simple response is: What’s wrong with simple?
Your last name stays put. Not as much as in the old days and I wouldn’t have a problem changing my name for some financial support.
The garage is all yours. Only true because they don’t let us keep our cool stuff in the house, like say if we had a wagon-wheel coffee table, or a stuffed head of a wild boar that would look really good over the fireplace.
You can be president. This too shall pass.
You can wear a white T-shirt to a water park. I don’t do water parks anymore so this doesn’t really apply. But actually, when I did do water parks, I don’t think I wore T-shirts, of any color.
Car mechanics tell you the truth. If this is true for any of you guys please send his contact info.
One mood all the time. If you’re old enough to remember a mood ring, I had one that changed colors constantly.
Phone conversations are over in 30 seconds flat. I have had messages from my wife on my voice mail that she has to call me back to finish because the allotted space was too short. She didn’t seem that unhappy about it though.
You know stuff about tanks. I do know that I had a toy tank to go along with my GI Joe when I was a kid; and so I know they have a big gun on the front.
You can open all your own jars. That is pretty cool.
You get extra credit for the slightest act of thoughtfulness. What kind of extra credit? Tangible goods or points in the afterlife?
If someone forgets to invite you, he or she can still be your friend. Invited where? I haven’t been invited anywhere.
Your underwear is $8.95 for a three-pack. How much do women pay?
Three pairs of shoes are more than enough. I have more than that but have been asked by my apparently unhappier better-half not to wear my white bucks again. Oh well, it’s almost fall anyway.
You almost never have strap problems in public. Are you referring to the ones we use to secure the car top carrier or the deer?
Everything on your face stays its original color. What does this even mean?
You can play with toys all your life. Oh come on, we all know that double-door thing in the kitchen that heats up is just a large version of an Easy-Bake Oven.
You can do your nails with a pocketknife. Or your teeth if you lose your knife.
You have freedom of choice concerning growing a mustache. Not me. I grew a beard once when I was in college and KM didn’t even notice.
You can do Christmas shopping for 25 relatives on Dec. 24 in 25 minutes. True – but I think it was actually 27 relatives in 22 minutes. I’m a pretty generous guy.
You can wear shorts no matter how your legs look. Yep, shaved or not.
The same hairstyle lasts for years, maybe even decades. Is gray a hairstyle?
You are unable to see wrinkles in your clothes. Wrinkles? Isn’t that a stylish look these days?
Wrinkles add character. I rest my case.
Wedding dress - $5,000. Rented tuxedo - $100. Maybe we should open a wedding dress rental shop.
The world is your urinal. Well, maybe not the world.
Jay Edwards is a freelance columnist who can be reached at email@example.com.