What do you get when you cross bad luck with dumb luck?
Answer: The unlucky sap who broke into the home of an 82-year-old woman named Willie Murphy. As in the Willie Murphy who can deadlift 225 pounds — more than twice her weight — which helped her win the 2014 World Natural Powerlifting Federation Lifter of the Year award.
By the time police arrived to rescue the perp, she’d clobbered him with a table, poured shampoo in his face and was beating him with a broom.
“I was whaling on that man,” Murphy told her hometown Rochester (N.Y.) Democrat and Chronicle. “Cause I said to myself, ‘If it’s my time to go to hell, I’m taking him with me!’ ”
— At TheOnion.com: “Ovechkin shanks slapshot into stands after unruly fan coughs during backswing.”
— At Fark.com: “Old and busted, Pat Mahomes; new hotness, Lamar Jackson. Patrick we hardly new ye.”
Going to the dogs
Ole Miss receiver Elijah Moore drew a costly unsportsmanlike-conduct penalty after a TD catch in a one-point game when he celebrated by getting down on all fours and lifting his leg like a dog at a hydrant.
The official who threw the flag certainly puts a whole new spin on “Looking out for No. 1.”
The daily grind
Customs officials seized 154 pounds of bologna at the Mexican border.
Or roughly two hours’ worth of Bill Walton game commentary.
Truth in advertising
The Mariners signed a free-agent righty to put in their starting rotation: Kendall Graveman.
To no one’s surprise, he tends to bury a lot of breaking balls in the dirt.
Nary an NFL team has contacted Colin Kaepernick since the blackballed QB’s wonky workout on Nov. 16.
“I’m absolutely stunned,” said absolutely nobody.
A fine mess
In addition to Myles Garrett’s indefinite suspension for bonking Steelers QB Mason Rudolph on the head with his own helmet, the NFL docked the Browns DE $45,623.
Which neatly breaks down to a $45,000 fine, plus the standard $623 convenience/handling fee.
Let’s fix stupid
Not that football needs another rule or anything, but any player who goes nutso celebrating a first down, a touchdown or a turnover — when his team is trailing by three or more scores — should get flagged 15 yards for stupidity.
Michigan bar owners were cursing their luck last week when they were hit with a statewide alcohol shortage on the eve of the year’s biggest drinking day, which is the day before:
b) the Wolverines play Ohio State
One men’s trash …
The once-mighty Golden State Warriors were 3-13 after 16 games this season.
“Hey, we’d take that,” said the Cincinnati Bengals.
The Los Angeles Wildcats have blocked the Lions from signing journeyman QB Josh Johnson.
As if losing to the Washington Snyders last Sunday wasn’t bad enough, Detroit just got stuffed by an XFL team.
Big men on campus
Texas A&M made college-football history this season by playing three teams — Clemson, Alabama and LSU — that were top-ranked in the AP poll at the time the teams met.
What, no Ohio State?
Talking the talk
— Jim Barach of JokesByJim.blogspot.com, after the Patriots set an NFL record by winning 10 games for the 17th straight season: “It was close this year, but the Detroit Tigers were also able to do the same.”
— Comedian Argus Hamilton, after a critic called Oklahoma’s football locker room too extravagant: “It was the Sultan of Brunei.”
Hold that line
Hundreds of climate-change protesters stormed the field at Yale Bowl, delaying the start of the second half of the Harvard-Yale football game by more than an hour.
Needless to say, Yale doesn’t lead the Ivy League in rush defense.
— Gregg Drinnan at GregDrinnan.com, on the two hockey teams — Toronto Maple Leafs and Moose Jaw Warriors — that have fired coach Mike Babcock: “The big difference is that the Warriors didn’t owe him about $23 million when they did the deed.”
— Mike Hart of the Milwaukee Journal Sentinel, upon spotting a $24.99 Vince Lombardi custom ornament on eBay: “It would be great if this thing barked, ‘What the hell is going on out there?’ after you unwrap an ugly Christmas sweater.”
— Clippers guard Patrick Beverley, to ESPN, on growing up in West Chicago: “Coming from where I come from, I didn’t have the luxury of having a trust fund. Or money from generations. Or the luxury of hoppin’ into the family business, you know? It’s either hoop or you sell dope.”
— Bob Molinaro in the Norfolk Virginian-Pilot, on scuttlebutt that Urban Meyer will be Jerry Jones’ next coach: “Can we look forward to the Urban Cowboy? The headline is too good to go to waste.”
Give-and-take between ESPN college-basketball commentators Bill Walton and Dave Pasch, during the Maui Classic:
Walton: “13 of the 17 players on BYU’s roster have been on their missions. What is your mission, by the way?”
Pasch: “I’m still trying to figure that out. I guess to make it through the next three days with one of us surviving.”
Quote, end quote
— Comedy writer Alex Kaseberg, via Twitter, on the World Anti-Doping Agency recommending Russia be banned from the 2020 Olympics: “If you did not know better, you might think Russia has a problem playing by the rules.”
— @norm—dagaire, via Twitter, when Kentucky basketball coach John Calipari wished his daughter Megan a happy 29th birthday — when she actually turned 30: “She was a redshirt infant.”
— Janice Hough of LeftCoastSportsBabe.com, after rookie QB Dwayne Haskins couldn’t be located for the final-play kneeldown because he was over by the stands taking a selfie with a fan: “To be fair, who with (Washington) has practiced the ‘V for Victory’ formation?”
— Greg Cote of the Miami Herald, on LeBron James becoming the first player in NBA history to log a triple-double against all 30 teams. “That requires two things: 1) Being really good, and 2) Switching teams a fair amount.”
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